Denenberg in Blunderland
(with apologies to the memory of Lewis Caroll)
I’m almost ashamed to admit that I’ve wasted about two hours on the phone trying to straighten out a computer-related issue. In a desperate attempt to assuage that guilt, I have chosen to view that experience as “research” for this article instead.
Having recently signed up for a "free trial" subscription to Apple TV in order to watch the much touted "Ted Lasso" series, my wife and I had decided to cancel (partially due to the inability to turn on subtitles because of the heavy English Accents in the opening scenes (To be fair, I later realized that instead of subtitles the issue might have been referring to them as "closed captions")).
Even though the trial period, (3 months free then $6.99 per month) had not yet ended, we decided to cancel the trial subscription thinking that we had enough on our plate from our current Internet provider in terms of culture, news and entertainment and better uses for our limited time on this sphere.
This realization awakened a memory of a prophetic book I had read almost 40 years ago by Neil Postman: “Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business”. The publisher sums it all up nicely:
“What happens when media and politics become forms of entertainment? As our world begins to look more and more like Orwell’s 1984, Neil’s Postman’s essential guide to the modern media is more relevant than ever. Originally published in 1985, Neil Postman’s groundbreaking polemic about the corrosive effects of television on our politics and public discourse has been hailed as a twenty-first-century book published in the twentieth century. Now, with television joined by more sophisticated electronic media—from the Internet to cell phones to DVDs—it has taken on even greater significance. Amusing Ourselves to Death is a prophetic look at what happens when politics, journalism, education, and even religion become subject to the demands of entertainment. It is also a blueprint for regaining control of our media, so that they can serve our highest goals. ... A brilliant, powerful, and important book. This is an indictment that Postman has laid down and, so far as I can see, an irrefutable one.” –Jonathan Yardley, The Washington Post Book World
Meanwhile, back in Blunderland, I get out my trusty iPhone and command Siri to “Unsubscribe” and she responds, “I can’t help with that on iPhone” in her cute Australian accent which I had chosen on setup. So, I decided to be more specific and asked, ``How do I cancel an Apple TV Free Trial Subscription?” and got a glimpse of the potential rabbit hole I was about to jump into. I receive 3 responses,and follow what looks to be the most promising lead:
“1. Go to tv.apple.com
2. Choose the account icon at the top of the page. If you don’t see the account icon then..blah blah blah...
3. Choose Settings.
.4. Scroll to Subscriptions and choose Manage.
5. Choose Cancel Subscription.”
Simple enough. Duck soup, right?
I follow these instructions assiduously--- to no avail. I did succeed with Step 1, but I am stumped by Step 2: , I can’t find any “account icon” but after a careful perusal I locate a very small circle with my initials lhich I guess is my account icon, click and proceed on my journey.
The furthest I get is more opportunities to subscribe! Or I can watch one of the three movies aptly named “Unsubscribe”. Clearly not what I was looking for.
At this point I am offered a bunch of choices (as well as an opportunity for it to send me instructions which I reject, knowing full well it will lead to another branch of the rabbit hole I’m already lost in. I give up on using my Internet and resort to making a phone call to an Apple helpline. After a long (but not unexpected wait), I am offered an abundant list of choices from which I select their Billing Department which, for me, is the raison d’etre for this whole journey. Another long wait on hold . Eventually I connect with Billing and after a long but delightful conversation with who I trust is an actual human person (you never know) we get down to business. After supplying some more personal Identification Data (name, rank and serial number), I explain my issue, saying that I had reached the end of my rope in trying to cancel my “trial subscription” online and begged to do so forthwith. We traverse many of the same rabbit hole paths I had previously visited. Finally, after putting my wife on the phone to confirm ownership of the account (I learned that the account is in her, not my name) -- you know the drill, no one wants a lawsuit-- the being on the other end of the phone informs me that I have no active subscriptions in their records and thus cannot cancel one.
This misadventure has served only to reinforce my belief of what “Free Trial “ actually means, “We let you experience the product free for a fixed time but after that expires and you’re well hooked, then you may cancel ( if you can ---sounds similar to a pitch made by drug dealers and other hustlers).
Flabbergasted but undaunted, I realize that I may well have ordered AppleTV directly through our Internet provider. So, I brace myself to explore that by all technological means possible before throwing in the towel.
I believe that is the last metaphor my editor allows me in one article, so I'll just sum up by saying that this path also produced no conclusive results and that I will simply wait to be billed (or not) and deal with it then. I don’t expect a quick fix.
H. L. Mencken had this to say about quick fixes: “Every complex problem has a solution which is simple, direct, plausible — and wrong.”
Wish me luck.
